I’ve been hearing noises.

About a week and a half ago, I called the fuzz because I was convinced it was a person rattling around outside.

Because there simply cannot be animals in my house, aside from the one I brought here. All that expensive extraction and exclusion, plus my new flame-retardant and rodent-repellant insulation, you know.

So the nice officer came and looked around outside, and then I asked him to look in the attic, just in case in Crazy World, there was a serial killer up there.

He didn’t find one, for the record.

So every night, I hear scrambling and every night, I think, “well, it’s just on the roof. ”

I’m not exactly down with that, but I’m more down with it than I am with it being in the house.

But today, the men came to clean out my dryer vent, which was a production in and of itself, what with having to dismantle the hose from the house and all.

Before they left, one of them said, “Ma’am, one of those traps you’ve got up there has a rat in it.”

A rat. I know it’s a rat, because I asked if it was a rat or a mouse.

As God is my witness, if those people don’t come out here and figure out once and for all where they’re coming in, it’s going to get ugly up in here.