If you bank at Wells Fargo, you are a lucky, lucky person.

In fact, if you bank at any number of banks, you are blessed beyond all reasonable belief.

But let me tell you why you’re lucky today.

Today, I and millions of other Very Fortunate Wells Fargo hostages got notices that as of October 14, we will be charged $3 per month to use our debit and ATM cards.

Just to make sure you know what I mean, that’s twelve quarters to use your debit card or ATM card to make purchases or get cash. To get your cash and buy things with your money. That you put in the bank in the first place.

Three quarters will get you a Snickers bar out of most vending machines. Two quarters will buy you a newspaper. Four quarters will wash a load of clothes down at the laundromat; four more will dry that same load. All twelve of those quarters will almost buy a gallon of gasoline.

Wells Fargo is calling this a convenience fee. I, however, do not find it convenient to give them three of my dollars to get at my money.

Here is the actual notice:

A monthly $3 Debit Card Activity Fee** will be charged to your checking account for purchases or payments (including recurring payments) made on or after October 14, 2011, using any debit or ATM card linked to your Wells Fargo checking account. This fee applies in any monthly statement cycle when you make at least one purchase (U.S. or international) using any debit card linked to your account. (The use of a Wells Fargo or Wachovia ATM is not a purchase or payment.)

The good news is you get to pay the fee whether you make one transaction or a thousand, so knock yourself out. Want to pay for each item in the grocery store individually? Please do so. Twenty dollars a day at your ATM? Pitch a pup tent and make yourself at home!

You can avoid the fees altogether by keeping your “free” checking account, secured in the first place by having your paycheck automatically deposited (thus making sure you never see actual money) by going back to paper checks. Maybe that will have the added benefit of putting a kibosh on the self-check at grocery stores once and for all.

I, personally, being a hundredaire of great influence, am taking my twenties and going to a credit union.

I am also going to write my congressthangs and thank them profusely for this special treat for my pocketbook. I encourage you to do the same – I know they will be delighted to hear from each and every one of their constituents. Then I’m going to vote for their sorry asses to go home at the end of this term.